Happiness

I was thinking about things like happiness, sadness, future and what things was.
There are plenty of feelings that I can't reach right now. By the way how can I manage or sort my thoughts when they're almost dead now?. I think I started to feel good but... I'm not.
Well, here's the deal. How can I be happy with myself?
There's no way I can now...
I was envy about people who just leaved their lives and I thought that I can live like that too. But I failed.
Going back to dark feelings now is different then it was before. Now I'm different and it defines my soul and my mind. But I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back anymore... I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT. . .
How should I live?